I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
