the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
