Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Randomize
