OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
