He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
