new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
