I can text with my tongue
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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