I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
