The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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