ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
