I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
