just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
