i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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