These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
