She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
