Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
