This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
