I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
