Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
