too bad you live with your parents still
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
