I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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