Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
