I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
