we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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