Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
