How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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