I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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