some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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