i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
