i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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