Nicole vs. Life
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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