My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We had sex on a dog bed..
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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