I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
