It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
