Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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