i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
