Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
