Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
