Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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