So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
