Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
