Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
