Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
