Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
