I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
