She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Verdict: uncircumcised.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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