just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
