Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
