So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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