Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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