look no pants
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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