great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
