Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
