I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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